My achy breaky heart...

I just don't think you understand.... That is how the song goes. I think I'm trying desperately to cheer and lighten myself up. I've considered signing up for being the first person to live on mars as a way to escape everything...could work - could also make me even more nuts. If this is possible, which I tragically think is not.
Having emotions inside you that just keep on bubbling and rising and bubbling and rising and only when I have melted down or exploded do I realize the actual reason and/or origin of the real problem. In this case (today's meltdown) it was once more the simple fact that I was missing my beloved boyfriend so much that I couldn't see nor think clearly. Add on the whole x-mas woes and PMS and you've got a nasty cocktail. These are the times when moving to mars and being unreachable for about a week seem like a truly genius plan. I only end up hurting him, the man whom I love so much that I don't know what to do with myself, and hurting myself. My frustration and sadness turn into anger for it is easier to deal with and voilá you have a crappy sufflé. Ready to be served with shitty wine and your choice of angst and self hate. I prefer angst - less aftertaste.

If I only knew how to lessen these problems somehow... I don't want to feel like this anymore. I don't want to keep messing things up and making myself feel like shit, nor make my darling feel like shit :(

First step - recognition of problem. check.
second step - try to mend origin of problem...
third step - fix problem....

Hope I can check those of real soon....

goodevening

It's the most wonderful time of the year...

Of this I am not necessarily so sure. This time of year usually tends to bring a certain type of woe to me at least. It's a time of missing my loved ones at a heightened level. I miss my father exceptionally much during x-mas. Which I find rather interesting as I don't miss him that much otherwise. Of course I always miss him but it is such a contrast missing him regularly or during x-mas. Having PMS doesn't help much either I'm guessing. Another interesting detail though is that... although I miss them all so much (the loved ones) I also DO feel their presence much stronger during this time also. Which makes me ponder upon, ooh fancy, is it the fact that I miss them much more that they come to me... or is it because of the meaning of x-mas? And say what you will about x-mas being a religious occasion - but for me and for my family it is a time of really being together and showing each other love and focusing on the wonderful things in life. Kind of letting the rest of the world float away... and being with the ones you love and completely focusing on each other. Not the biggest gift or what have you.

Anywho... 'tis the season to be jolly...so I'm gonna read about Jenna Jameson and see how good my life really is.
good evening.

too late but too early.

The early bird catches the worm- I wouldn't know since I am not a bird nor a worm. I am a sleep depraved woman who cannot stop counting sheep with various coats and colorings and fences... the list goes on. Hence I try counting beer bottles- one hundred bottles of beer on the wall, one hundred bottles of beer... ya take one down pass it around- 99 bottles of beer on the wall. Wow it helps just writing it cause it be so boring...
I had another blog before but it was on myspace and anyone who wasn't on myspace couldn't see it so...had to let that one go. But I digress.... Must sleep. Up and early at 'em to see a lucia show at the gothenbourg opera house. At freakkin' 08.15 in the morning. It's ... gonna be... grea..t.
Goodness me... time to sleep. Or at least let the sleeping pill do as it is told-which is make me fall asleep.

Goodnight,
ps... it'll get better.