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Because you're mine, I walk the line...

I try to. But I do get misunderstood more times than I would like. I hate being misunderstood. As does anyone I would presume. But being misunderstood because of love and how you feel about love and/or someone kills.
Anyone who knows me knows how I feel about love. It's everything- it's oxygen. But when the one you love more than anything thinks that you want them to be miserable without you...that's not right. I believe in love, true love, everlasting love... love that surpasses the ages ( like Dracula or our Twilight friends - yes yes I know). All I can take reference from is myself and my emotions. I would break inside and out, if the one I loved left me or didn't want to be with me. I don't want the person I'm with to be just fine and dandy without me- but when I say without me.. I mean in the total sense. If we no longer were together as a couple- that's when I guess I would expect that person to yes.. be miserable. But not just being apart. I do however feel like a big part of me is missing when I am apart from the one I love and wish that he was with me. But I deal with it and I cope ( not so well sometimes but I do) and I believe that I confuse this with something else.
I think that when I hear that my other half is fine without me... I imagine them not missing me or wishing that they were with me... that they would be fine without me- period. And when I think of it in that way... it hurts so bad. And I think that that is where the confusion and misunderstanding arises. I want the person Im with to function and be fine without me to feel good and have good great times... but to miss me terribly- yes. To wish they could be with me - yes. To be fine and dandy if they no longer were with me AT ALL(in the no longer a couple sense)-NO.
Does this make any sense to anyone?

On a happier note - I wanna get tattooed again :) what to do what to do? :)
I have ideas and here is a sample of some ideas:

Sorry...

..might be one of the most overused words we have. Except for: and, the, it... basically. (Not basically, that was just the end of that sentence, oki then.) Why is it so overused? Do we mess up so frequently that we need say it? Or do we no longer take any care or put any weight in the word itself and its meaning? I'm not sure, either way. When I however say the word I at least try to think that I'm saying this sorry once for this situation and I do my best to never let it happen again. This is not me being holier than thow, just saying how I TRY to live my life. I do not always succeed.

But I have however proven time and time again that I mess up doing the same or similar things over and over again. Maybe my own personal measurement would have to be that I at least do it less. That sucks though. Although I feel like, I'm not perfect and I don't want to be perfect I just want to be the best me that I can be. And people who really care about me and know me, know that I don't EVER do anything to intentionally hurt anyone. My messups usually have to do with my own shortcomings in self esteem.

Sorry seems to be the hardest word. It is hard sometimes.. but when I feel as if I have done something to mess up - I will gladly deliver that sorry. And I don't ever say it without meaning it from the bottom of my heart.


I guess I hope that counts for something.

The Profoundness.

Okay so like I said in my previous blog entry I had something really good cooking so here goes:
So what I was thinking was as follows, if you think about the message that books such as "the secret" and mindfullnes and so on and so forth have, I have come to a conclusion - the police feed more crime to happen. Why do most people become police officers? "To serve and protect and fight crime"...FIGHT CRIME. Thus CRIME is needed for policemen to have work. For a policeman to be happy at work I have a feeling they want something to do that isn't sitting behind a desk filling out paper work and eating cornflakes. (I've grown tired of the donut bit so Im going for cornflakes) No they want to catch the bad guys that do bad things... no police - no bad guys?... we can take this a step further and go... no doctors - no sick people. and so on... I realize that this is extreme and Im not saying " to hell all you cops and docs!!! we need you's no mo!!"... absolutely not. But think about it. You need disease for doctor's to have anything to do, for work. You need crime and pain and suffering for police to be needed to have anything to do...

think about it.
Good evening.

profound...

A very profound entry will be here shortly... I just have to gather some strength. But it will be about, police, the secret and projections... exciting ay? stick around and we'll be right back.

Classic....

Well long time no see :) Thought I'd return to the blogg world in a laidback type of way... by linking a classic song and it's video :)

enjoy!
 http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ldyx3KHOFXw

sick...

I do not enjoy being sick yet... I am sick. What a conundrum.
Here is at least a lovely picture for now of me goofing around before a show. Since I have not enough energy to write anything at the moment this little bit of me will have to do.

goodnight.

incessant chattering....

incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....incessant chattering....

I can't seem to make my mind turn still.... calm.... QUIET.
It continuosly goes to negative and I work so hard on going to the positive. But... it doesn't seem to matter... it is constant work it seems. At least right now.
woe is me... boo-freaking-hoo.

I don't know what to change....I just wanna be better.

For once...

it was not overanalyzing and it actually did some real good to think about it an extra round. And talking to your best friend sometimes just makes you see things clearer. Thank god for that... and thank god for best friends. Otherwise I would be killing myself over something that actually turned out to be a good thing.. and that helped me see what was truly going on and the reason why. Time to let that other not so great thought out of my head for it was truly - nothing.

goodnight once more.

puss.

O v e r a n a l y z i n g

When is it too much and when is it not enough? When do you feel too much and when do you feel too little? How do you know what you're feeling at times... truly?... Over-analyzing would be the key word in this entry.
It's just I feel cold. off. shut down. Emotionally. I do not enjoy this feeling. It feels like it has to do with self protection, preservation. I am used to feeling so much all the time and when I kind of shut down like this... it scares me. It is something to which I am not accustomed.
I worry way too much.

goodnight.

I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best.

that being said - doesn't mean I don't work hard to be at my best as often as humanly possible.

what to do...

...when you feel that you have no where to go but - down. Well that's being a bit dramatic but nowhere to go but - backwards. I didn't get the job I wanted so badly and I will most likely have to move back with my mother. I realize that I am seeing the glass as half empty... but the thing is that this is true. If nothing great comes up then I don't have much of a choice. 
I am just utterly frustrated. I wish that things were different... that things were the way I wanted them... 
wow that sounds really lame... 
I guess I'm just one of those people that needs to feel the bad and then I can go on and focus on the positive. I want so much to be where my boyfriend is but that just seems... so far away and I don't quite know how to turn that into a positive :(

I should sleep.
evening.

crying...

...is really painful.

Angelina

I just realized... I have a blog named I Stalk Angelina Jolie and I don't even have a picture of the most beautiful woman in the world... so here are a few of my love-

 

  

  

  

How do I love thee let me count the ways... I don't call myself a stalker for nothing yo. Well I would never really stalk her... but I admire her in so many ways and I just can't seem to get enough of looking at her.

J'adore Angelina.

Models...

I was just reminiscing about how much I adored the 90's supermodels... I thought they were amazing and the epitamy of female-ness. That's a word I just made up. I wanted to be them - Nadia Auermann, Linda Evangelista, Cindy Crawford... the list goes on. I remember watching MTV and VH1 in the states and seeing the George Michael Videos - "freedom" and "too funky" and just sitting at the edge of my seat and just wanting to see more of these gorgeous creatures. Stephanie Seymour is another favorite as well. I was searching some pictures that made me think of this time and found some absolutely fabulous ones....

 

  

Just lovely if you ask me. I got inspired to share these photos that I found because of a friend of mine's blogg. La petite noir. I'll give you the link - she focuses on lingerie and knowledge of lingerie and brands. It's a lovely blogg.

http://www.lapetitenoire.se/ 

Write more soon.

love.

Consider this.

Consider this - not remembering the first seven years of your life...actually not remembering. Consider this for a moment. Really think about this. Seven years, that is double the time you spend in highschool - and you don't remember it. Fragments of this time may come to you once in a while but mostly because you stumble across a picture that is in your mind, or in an album. And a part of you goes - this looks vaguely familiar.

Consider this.

An oldy but a silly...

hihi....

Saturday, December 27, 2008 

and its continued... Category: Life I cut my god-damn finger... the tip is basically off... and it really hurts. damn you venus razors and your excellent edges...damn you I say. moving on from the razor incident. I was writing before and...I don't feel I really got much said, but sometimes thats what you need to have said.. not much. Its just better out than in. Met someone who...makes me think of him. Not all the time but I do think of him. Don't know what to do about that... he's not ready though... but neither am I so all's well. Which is funny... would still like him to be ready- at least somewhat. I need to... stop writing too much. see you soon. love.

An oldy but a goody 3.

daddy...

Saturday, August 18, 2007 

daddy Current mood:  contemplative I just remember the strangest things sometimes... I just made a cup of Folger's Instant Coffee with half and half in it and it always makes me think of my dad. When I was a little girl he...would make Folgers Coffee with half and half and a little bit of sugar and... when I got to taste that... it was like sipping on a little piece of heaven. It sounds super silly but it tasted so good to me... I was like inbetween 5-7 years old and I always remember waking up in the morning, at 247 Serra Drive in south san francisco, and smelling his cup of coffee. He always got up at like 0500 in the morning and he usually went to bed around 6 or 7 at night. Anyway I would get up and wander into the kitchen, it wasnt a big kitchen but I loved this apartment. I would walk over to him and he would say something like "goodmorning sweetie" or something to that effect- I can't remember but I know it was something sweet. Usually he would make me some breakfast, maybe scrambled eggs maybe cereal. But, always before I ate my breakfast I would most likely sit on his lap and hug him.. and he always smelled so good somehow. He would be in his brown bath robe and I would be in my PJ's and Id sit on his lap and ask to taste some of his coffee. He'd usually let me taste it but I wasn't allowed to have a cup of my own. He was probably worried Id be like the frikking energizer bunny and put on a show for like 8 hours straight. Thats what I did when I was a little girl. I put on a show for my dad, and my mom.. and sometimes my sister when she wasnt sick of looking at me. (she kinda hated me when we were younger...but were all love now ) Anyway, I digress... I miss those mornings with my daddy. It's something that I keep losing more and more cause I remember less and less. He died when I was seven. I miss my mornings with my dad. With the folgers coffee and saturday morning cartoons. Someday we'll be together...

An oldy but a goody 2.

Another old one... this one is about... well... I'll actually leave that to the imagination.

Saturday, December 27, 2008 

and its continued... Category: Life I cut my god-damn finger... the tip is basically off... and it really hurts. damn you venus razors and your excellent edges...damn you I say. moving on from the razor incident. I was writing before and...I don't feel I really got much said, but sometimes thats what you need to have said.. not much. Its just better out than in. Met someone who...makes me think of him. Not all the time but I do think of him. Don't know what to do about that... he's not ready though... but neither am I so all's well. Which is funny... would still like him to be ready- at least somewhat. I need to... stop writing too much. see you soon. love.

An oldy but a goody...

So I thought that I would share some of my older bloggs that I had on my myspace page. So here come's one:

Sunday, January 04, 2009 

emotions... Current mood:emotional Category: Romance and Relationships is a song by Mariah Carey... but it's also a pretty good way to describe where Im at... Emotions are running over all over the place... so much going on in my mind and my heart... confusing and beautiful and wonderful... and... emotional. Another song that comes to mind is one by Nat King Cole... or he's one of the people who has sung it and.. it is one of my favorite favorite songs. It's... me. WHEN I FALL IN LOVE When I fall in love it will be forever Or Ill never fall in love In a restless world like this is Love is ended before its begun And too many moonlight kisses Seem to cool in the warmth of the sun When I give my heart it will be completely Or Ill never give my heart And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too Is when I fall in love with you. And the moment I can feel that you feel that way too Is when I fall in love with you.... love is pure and true and amazing and wonderful and... beautiful and...when you fall in love.. do love right and breathe it... goodnight and...love is everything.

'evenin'

I do appologize to my lovely reader(s) that I have not been good on the upkeep of my blogg lately. Christmas and new years and all. Kinda takes a tole and takes a lot of time. EIther way I am back now and just about ready to write absolutely nothing out of the ordinary. It's late and I am tired. But I will say this - to be blessed is to be me. To realize your blessings is a gorgeous thing dear friends. And I am - that being able to say - "if it was all taken away from me tomorrow, if my life was over, how saddened I may be - ( for I wish for my life to continue for a very long time) I would have been so grateful for the amazing life that I have lead. And that dear friends is why--- we are beautiful.

'Til we meet again...

goodevening